So there's this huge flood one day, and an entire town looks like it's going to be swallowed up by the waters. And the Police and Rescue Agencies are running all over the place trying to get people to safety.

So they send the rescue boat over to this house where a guy's sitting on the roof with the water lapping around his ankles and they say "Come on, quickly, there isn't much time"

To which he says "Nah, it's ok, God will Provide"

So about an hour later they're zooming past in the boat again and they notice the guy's still there, only the water's up to his waist, almost at the top of the roof.. "Quick" they say, get in the boat, it's going to get worst before it gets better.

"Nah, don't worry - God will Provide"

An hour after that a rescue helicopter flies over the area and notices the guy, who must be standing on the peak of the roof now, with only his head and shoulders out of the water. "GRAB THE ROPE!" they cry "IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE!"

"Don't worry" he replies calmly "God will provide."

So he gets drowned of course. And he goes to heaven, and is a little ticked off with god for drowing him like that, and expresses his concern saying "I had FAITH, I BELIEVED in you - and still you didn't help me"

"HELP YOU?!" God replies "What MORE did you want - I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

I've always liked that joke because it makes me think about people who complain about how hard they've got it and how everyone else gets the breaks. It's not GETTING the breaks that counts, it's RECOGNISING them..

So this guy's rollerblading down a mountain - which isn't a bloody intelligent thing to do for a start - when he sails off the edge of a cliff into the air. Just before he plummets to the ground, he manages to catch hold of the root of a tree which is hanging out of the cliff face.
So he's hanging there and isn't really sure what the hell he's going to do - his arms are getting tired, he can't hold on for much longer, there's no way to climb up, and no ledge to stand on - when he hears this voice calling to him.
"DAVE" the voice says - for that was his name, and I was going to mention it at the beginning of the joke, but forgot - "DAVE!"

Dave's a bit surprised, because he was sure that there was no-one else up the mountain with him. But he can hear this voice.. "Yes?" Dave says "Is someone up there?"

"YES" the voice replies "THERE IS"

"Help Me!" Dave cries, "I can't hold on much longer"

"I KNOW YOU CAN'T" the voice cries "THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, TO SAVE YOU."

"Do I know you?" Dave asks

"OF COURSE YOU DO" the voice says "IT'S ME, GOD!"

"God?"

"YES, AND I'VE COME TO SAVE YOU. YOU DO BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?"

"Oh yes God!" Dave replies "Now please throw down a rope"

"BUT I'M GOD. I DON'T NEED A ROPE TO SAVE YOU DAVE. YOU BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?"

"Of course I do" Dave replies.

"GOOD" says God. "NOW ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO LET GO OF THE ROOT, AND I'LL CATCH YOU AND BRING YOU BACK TO THE TOP OF THE CLIFF"

"Uhh.." says Dave

"YOU DO BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?" God asks

"Uhmmm, yes" says Dave

"THEN JUST LET GO, AND I'LL CATCH YOU"

So Dave thinks about this for a few seconds, then yells "IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE UP THERE?!?!"

This one I find funny because it doesn't take much to have faith in something - God, your beliefs, your loved ones - but it can take a lot to TRUST in that faith when it comes to the crunch. Saying you believes, and trusting in your belief when you stand to lose from it are two seperate things.
Course, you could say that Dave's optimal choice would be to hang on to the root as long as possible, THEN give in, and God would catch him. Then he's risked nothing and still been saved. Perhaps he could even tell himself that he really was trusting in God when he was saved. Perhaps he would even say it was his faith that saved him? Dunno. Is God your Backstop?
I do know that people can sometimes do this with their partners when they say: "Of course I trust you - but I still want to be there when you go out drinking with your friends..". Fidelity is the Backstop - only rely on it when you have to. And today my brother and I were talking about Prenuptual agreements and why he didn't sign one. His point being "How can you really love someone yet make plans for when you don't?"..
What's the answer? I dunno - I just liked the joke. And can empathise with Dave...

So this guy dies and goes to heaven, and Peter rocks up and says "Look, it's a bit touch and go about whether you can get into heaven or not - can you remember anything you've done that might sway god one way or the other?"
The guy thinks a bit and says "Well, I once donated 40 bucks to the cancer society"
"Uh-huh - anything else?"
"OH! I also can 50 bucks to the starving kids in ethiopia"
"Mmmm. ?"
"And I gave 10 bucks to some collectors who came to the door one day!"
"I see" says Pete "I'll just go have a word with the big guy.."
A little while passes and Peter comes back and says "I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that overall you're still an arsehole and are going to hell"
"Shit! Well what's the good news?"
"Oh, Here's your 100 bucks back"

So Dave's praying and he prays "God, I've been your loyal servant for all these years - why won't you let me win the lottery! I helped those homeless people, went to church every week for the last 10 years, even when I was sick. But still you don't let me win the lottery!"
And a voice from the Heavens comes down "Dave! Dave! Meet me halfway on this! Buy a bloody ticket!"